I'm still here...

Hi all. Sorry I haven't been back here for awhile. Mike, Bonnie, and John..esp for you all, as you have been watching it and using it...oh, and Steve too. But have been busy with Mom and Dad....and they have been busy....we went to Delaware...they went to Phil, OC a couple of times, and Uncle Anthony's funeral....and lately, Chicago.

And i've been working on Mom's party. Dad is telling everyone...good to see him excited. It sounds like all the Amalfitanos may come....I gave them a pretty good headsup....so we'll see.

Dorothy and Uncle Pete want to come....

It will end up over 100 people before we know it. That's it for now. I have several trips to take in the next month or so. Eddie and I are renting a place on 75th St......while Cis may be at the townhouse....thought i'd try to get used to finding my own place....and wasn't sure what Mom and Dad would say about staying at the townhouse...they are unpredictable about that......

Night for now. I'll be back soon...or at least via emails. I found another site....but it's supposed to be for someone who is in the middle of a medical difficulty, keeping in touch with the family....not sure if we can use it the way we used this. I'll play with it a bit...it's free and looks more user friendly.....love to all. Toni

Correction....

Oops...meant I had a skype call with Steve and Laura Jo......they are getting ready to leave NZ today (Saturday to them.) Talked with Steve an hour or so ago. They will experience 2 Saturdays.....bye

Saying hi.

Not much change. Dad and Mom did get out to my house last Sunday with Mimi, Steve, and Sophie. Megan and Luca were visiting. He's a beautiful little guy. I think, looks a lot like Megan. She had a hectic several days here. Saw Sara from Huddleston, went to a wedding of one of her best friends, spent time at Laurette and Rick's, came here on Sunday and I brought her to Mom and Dad's on Monday. Yikes! It was grand spending time with her. Dad was able to get his TV converter box for his TV....I sent for the coupons for him. Now I hope he figures out how to work it all. Mom seems to becoming more resistant to anything but being home. I keep trying to influence.....suggest...and on and on. That's it for now. Had another "skype" call with Steve and Ariel yesterday. Somehow my insight camera was turned off and i couldn't fix it while being excited to see him....technology is as only good as the tech! Steve and family are headed back tomorrow. Or today really. bye for now and love. Toni

Quiet Out There

Just wondering how Y'all are? Wh at's up with Steve and Dana and Ariel and JoJo? Looks to me like they were traveling with the film maker friend. Are Mom and Dad still trying to elope? Getting hot out there Mike? I went from long underware to no underware. I owe you some pictures Cis. Think I'll just send the one's I got. (small 8X10's sepia's) . Love to all, John

Dad's PCOM Award in January 2010

Dad called today from PCOM...all excited....Here is the information about the award he will receive about Jan. 23, 2010...Just for all of your information.  Dad is sounding so proud...more to come about it in the future...mark your calendars.....He is to receive the O.J. Snyder Memorial Medal from PCOM.

Founders' Day  In January 2010....

The annual observance of Founders' Day commemorates the founders of Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine: Oscar J. Snyder, DO and Mason W. Pressly, DO. The O.J. Snyder Memorial Medal is the College's highest award to recognize leadership and service to the osteopathic profession and to the College. The Mason W. Pressly Memorial Medal is presented to the student who is recognized by students, faculty and the administration as "Student DO of the Year." 

That's all...they are doing OK up there in Philly....Toni

Warm is here.....

Hi....won't write much....just had a "brain drizzle" as my husband would say.  I am Dad's cheerleader.  May have thought that before...but hit me today.  Mom and Dad are on their way to Philadelphia....he went to AAA for advice to avoid I95..and dang...the NASCAR races are in Dover , DE this weekend....and his "new route" included going up 301...Anyway after about a total of an hour conversation about all of this...they are off.  He said he'd call me along the way...told him I'd let him know if I hear any Bay Bridge reports...rah! rah!  Offered to drive him there...for someone else to drive him there...etc. etc.  He, though fussing and anticipating a difficult drive, still said he wanted to drive.  So....here I am...holding my breath for a few hours.....I just have some reassurance that he usually does just fine....

That's all...a dip in the pool...or some furniture washing...or fussing with Bob, who is home.....getting in my way, of course.....love ya

Another week.....

We had quite a week with the trip to Delaware.  But it was all good.  I have pretty much decided to go ahead and rent a place in Cambridge for 3 or 4 days.  I think I've gotten a pretty good price.I'm not renting the entire place. There are about 7 bedrooms with various pull outs in various places.  Am considering in next couple of days.  Mom and Dad seemed to like the idea.  I just think it would be so convenient for everyone...a place to stay, a beautiful, peaceful place to gather, and Mom and Dad could be "treated royally".  The dates would be Oct. 2 through 6.  They supply everything....linens, towels, tp, paper towels, cleaning supplies.....she will see about keeping the pool open....may be a place to rent a boat....I realize everyone has lots to do in their lives...the lady I am renting from is one of 17 kids....she "supposedly" (ha?) giving me a break because she knows what it is like to try to gather.  I would have to look into the "party" part.  I am sure there are some local relatives who would love to see Mom..."little" Celeste is planning a trip here for the birthday.  Anyway, that's my plan.  More later and I have to finally decide.  Waiting on the estimate from Marie via email.   Love to all Toni

"Post" Mother's Day

First of all thanks for all your Mother's Day wishes.  I even heard from Mimi, Lauren and "LV"Celeste.  And Mom/Noni was glad to hear from all of you too.  Had a great dinner with Mom and Dad.  They were very organized and the food was delicious.  

Dad brought up again the special moving services that Erikson's has. Mom is adament about not wanting to leave "her house."  She stated very clearly that she will stay until one of them dies.  She said, if "I die first, then Dad can go anywhere he wants."  "And if Dad dies first, I won't have anything left here, so I'll go into one of those homes, or said she would move in with me or one of us at that point."  I mean she didn't even want to hear any conversation about moving.  And Dad became very anxious and forgetful of what he was trying to tell Bob and I.  He said, with almost tears, "I can't even change a lightbulb here and that drives me crazy!"  Mom does not hear any of that.  I asked him if he could arrange the move for them, without her OK and he adamently said, "no way."  "She would be a very sad lady."  But then he added that "soon she won't even know enough to refuse."  I tried talking with her after Dad left the room, but she continues removed from any intellectual or emotional responses of Dad.  (or me for that matter). Bob asked her directly, in his rather straight forward manner why she wants to stay in her house.  She said clearly, "Because I like it."  So, I'm in my thinking mode again.  Trying to see if maybe it would work to go over there, after making an appointment with Dana at Ashby Ponds, and having Dad just go with me there.  If Mom doesn't want to go, then she could stay home.  (I don't like the idea of leaving her, if she is upset though, so I don't know if that would work? )  

Another topic Dad brought up is that Dr. Orsinger had a heart attack recently, and he now has someone going into his home daily and seems to like the group.  Dad seemed very interested and intends to ask him who the group is.  

So, that were "we are" this moment.  And we discussed Mom's birthday. She is up for anything that would involve any of us.  And "LasVegas Celeste" said she may be visiting in October, as I had told her we may do something for Mom's birthday.  Mom seems proud that she will be 90...and didn't flinch when I told her we were trying to organize something.  I told her it may be difficult for all of us to be there, and would any of this be too much for her.  Of course, she could hardly out and out say no....or maybe she could have.....just want to let you all know I talked with them about it.  Dad had no opinion.  He just said, he wishes we could somehow have her agree to move by then!!  

bye for now.  John and Mike, your dialogue is in the last post with 6 comments if you want to continue or start another.  love, Toni

Checking In

Hi.  Hope you all are reading these things.  Just trying to keep everyone informed with the same messages.  Oh well. Mom and Dad safely back from OC.  Uncle Joe did help Dad get stuff to the townhouse.   Guess they will be opening it up???  Not much else.  Haven't tried to work out a plan for Mother's Day yet.  

And I have pretty much given up on the party and gathering idea in October. Not enough interest or availability.   Not sure what I'll come up with.  But don't want to bother them at their house.  I just thought it would be a great time for us all to be together.   Maybe something out here..Will check out hotels...back later.  love to all,  Happy Mother's Day to all.  

Toni

Mom and Dad to OC

Just want you all to know that with MANY statements that I wanted to help them, Mom and Dad just took of for OC again. I just spoke with them yesterday and was planning to ask them if they wanted me to drive them to OC on Mother's Day weekend.  They made the plans and called me as they were leaving. Dad said, "there isn't that much to do."  Uncle Joe and Aunt ME are going there on Saturday.  He said uncle joe would help them.  oh well...who can predict?  Not sure what I will do on Mother's day now.  Would like them to come out here so we can go to a nice brunch.  But Dad sounded incredibly energized. Maybe he's taking that sleep(antidepressant) med.  He was positive and excited to be at the beach.  Bye for now.  Haven't talked with any of you in last several days.  Hope all is well.  I'm OK...  love to all.

The Williamsburg Trip so far!

Hi.  Just had a nice conversation with Mom...Dad is already in a meeting.  They will go to breakfast when he returns in "40 minutes" or so.  Mom sounded good.  She told a heartwarming story about how she recognized a man in the dining room last night and he was alone and she invited him to sit with her and Dad.  She said that she knew Dad knew him.  She could not recall his name, but knew his face and his significance to Dad.  It is so good for them both to get out and "stretch" and "exercise" their brains.  She said, "I could tell by his conversation that he wasn't with his wife.  He spoke of visiting his daughter often.  No mention of his wife." She seemed  happy that she could recognize him.  Hummm. Maybe that's a way of reasoning with her...that the more she stretches her mind with familiar and new persons, the better she will remember.  i.e.  "move to Ashby Ponds!"  She'd probably "see through" that tactic...(SMILE!)  That's all.  Just wanted to share a few nice moments with Mom with you.  She stutters and struggles to speak what she is thinking. I get teary listening.  And I try so hard not to prompt her on.  Trying to get the middle ground of having her reach further or not feel badly because she can't remember.  Bye for now..I'll be back.  Hope you all see this.  It's good for me to think I am telling you these things, and sharing.  Love, Toni

Dad's Birthday

Hi..all went well about today. Dad agreed with no hesitancy to have me come over.  He decided the menu.  I bought the cake, though unfortunately it wasn't that good.  I was trying for chocolate and small.  Wasn't much to choose from...anyway, lunch was great...roast beef sandwiches...home made beef they cooked last night.  

And we did lots of really good talking, attempting to problem-solve...Dad is moving along a bit, though slowly.  Ashby Ponds has an opportunity to assist with selling the client's home, assisting with down-sizing, issues about belongings, etc.  and moving in and out, if someone buys at Ashby Ponds.  Dad seemed quite interested and showed me the letter he had received.  Mom is very fearful of a move...not wanting to "live in a closet!"  I suggested they at least go to Ashby Ponds and speak with Dana (specialist) and see some condos.  Mom did agree quietly and privately to me...but who knows?  I told them I'd go with them if they wanted.  They had a visit from the neighbor, Stacy, who gave them some clever ideas about "passing on" their special belongings to family.  They seemed pleased that she had sat with them for "45 minutes" and told them "not to wait too long to decide" or they "would run out of time!"   (something like that Dad repeated back to me.)  

So, I'll make this short. it was a great visit. I think Dad was happy to celebrate, though he hates being older.  Mom picked out a card for him (I forgot to look for it, he had many cards on table).  They are going to Williamsburg on Thursday with Dr. Heaton.  Dad was able to plan the whole thing and ask for and utilize help.  They are both having their hair done tomorrow.  And, oh, how I hope it all works out.  They are both in a painful passage right now.  I tried to have them look at the options and what would be the least easy step to make.  They both seemed reluctant to want someone in their home with them.  So, I said, then you'll have to move out!   "It's going to be one or the other."  Pointed out the possible pros and cons...they were attentive and not argumentative.  They were both able to tell each other that they were worried about the other one.  (They talked about getting a "double Lazy Boy chair that you could put the arm rest in between, when you wanted your own space.)  Very telling comment.  They want their own space.  I tried to tell them that moving to Ashby Ponds would afford them that.  they could continue to cook, clean, fuss with each other, plant a garden maybe, or whatever...and not have to worry about someone else in their space.  i am uncertain if Mom will ever be able to comprehend that.  We shall see.  Don't lose hope or faith about them.  Progress is sometimes only measurable in very small increments.  And if something happens to them, they have chosen their own paths.  (And believe me, I hate saying that as I also want them to be able to live the rest of their lives with some peace and  love between them)  Night to all and I love you. And I will persist with encouraging them to talk with one another and with someone, either me or a pro.  Toni

After Easter week.

Hi all.  Hope you had a great Easter celebration.  We sure did.  Mom and Dad prepared dinner for  Jo, Fred and me....ham, asparagus, potatoes, salad. That was after we went to church in the newly designed and renovated St. Luke's Church across the street from Century.  All in all it was a nice few days.  I always enjoy spending time with JoAnn and Fred.  Not much else new.  At least for the time being.  I know Dad was going to go to the "electrical cardiologist" on Tuesday.  I'm sure he'll talk about it at some point.  Was to check on the latest adjustment to the pacemaker, made several months ago now.  We are all going to Joey's service on Saturday.  I think Steve will drive Mom and Dad.  we'll see, they are masters at changing plans.  bye for now...again, happy spring and I love you, Toni

Happy Easter

I could get psyched about the Birthday Party in Cambridge. What would Mom like to do? Can we ask her? Is it too much ecitement for Her and or Dad? Is that place as mellow as it looks?.....I've always wundered about Eastern Shore.

What's the weather like in OC? I'm gonna take the dogs to the river park before I do anything else today. I'll be thinking of Y'all. Bonnie,Michael, Celeste and Steve etc.......Brother John

Let me introduce MAC to you!! And HAPPY EASTER!

Yep. using my new Mac...so far so good.  Lots to learn about what it has to offer, but I seem to be able to do the basic things. not very different from a PC.  All of a sudden, my windows are the right size and i don't know how it happened.  Anyway, still waiting for my "old" computer to return sort of fixed up so I can get some of the stuff off of it...hey, Mike and Bonnie, thanks for the call today.  Sorry I haven't written much lately, but Mom and Dad are just the same.  They are driving to the beach tomorrow (Thursday)..turned down Jo and Fred's and my offer to drive them.  They seemingly want to get there before any of us, to do some work. they told me they have to empty out their personal stuff from Century (pre rentals) ..not sure if they are bringing it home, or putting it at the townhouse.  And, as they don't want any help in the kitchen, they will probably make sure they have all meals made ahead of time.they gave Jo the menu.  I know I should be glad about their spirit and their determination.  I think they had planned all along to go to the beach to avoid any controversy over where Easter may be.  And all of a sudden, JoAnn and I offer to spend time with them and drive them there!!!  Was not in their plans.  I don't know. Dad started to show his irritability...he even led me to believe he'd ride with JoAnn..but then supposedly they wouldn't be leaving soon enough for him.  I truly don't know how to read them anymore.  I believe Dad is inconsistent in so many things.  And i also believes that he "tells each of us what he thinks we want to hear."  No more fussing. It is how it is.  I think I am still going to join them.  I really wanted to spend time with Jo and Fred. And be by the ocean  We'll see.  Better get some sleep.  Have to get myself ready if I'm going.  HAPPY EASTER to all.  I love you, Toni

Just a quick note

Hi all. My computer is shot! Ihave a new iphone type of cell phone, but it is tedious to try to send things back and forth, so I am quickly using Bob's computer. (I will smell like smoke when I leave the area! oh well) Dad and Mom are having lots of house maintance issues...they just don't seem to stop and Dad is adamant to keep up after all of them...I mentioned I had been to Ashby Ponds. And that there was a gathering there this Thurs. He quickly said he had exercise, that "they have my number" when I told him they had said he could call to go and talk with them, how nice they were, how beautiful the place is, etc. He dismissed me quickly....and also said he is prepared to drive to OC on Easter if Jo and Fred or I can't get him home when he wants to be home! Jo and Fred and I will work something out, but he did not flinch when I questioned his being able to drive to OC as he "hadn't been there for awhile." He says his "angels get me there and besides that Mom's eye is good now!" Oh, he tried to make a joke out of it..he sounds so confident. That's all...comments and thoughts welcome....Love you...Great talking with you Bonnie and Mike...always a great time. Toni

WHAT'S UP FOR EASTER??

Hi everyone. Celeste just made a "comment" on the last post (the one about St. Joseph's)...sorry haven't written much...status quo...Dad and Mom have more or less "been doing their own thing"...something about continued "dead bugs" under kitchen sink today...I'll check with them again about that. I think they are looking forward to attending Nathan's 1st birthday party. Mimi and Sophie are picking them up....thanks to Mimi....and DAD ACTUALLY, slightly more directly than usual, asked for a ride.....So what is everyone doing for Easter? I had hoped to be able to drive to Florida with Mom and Dad (maybe Fred and Jo) to visit with Uncle Pete. Dad was actually enthusiastic....but seems Uncle Pete may be coming up here...I asked Dawn about it, and she was sort of "hush-hush"...couldn't figure that out. But JoAnn is to call Dorothy..Otherwise, maybe we'll go to OC....I'll probably go without Bob...my kids don't make much of Easter...and Bob doesn't care...so...where else better could I be? Will let you know. Again, Cis...just write a comment at end of this....and then the others can also comment and we'll have a "thread" or "topic" started by a POST. Of course if you want to POST, do that. Oh, haven't brought up my visit to Ashby Ponds yet with Dad. There is a gathering on April 2...I think i'll tell him about it. Will let you know what happens, if anything...love to all..

The St. Joseph workers (Mom and Dad) did it!

What a great gathering...oh, it definitely had it's drama, but that's the Cifala way for the time being. The table was too small...lots of babies and kids...Dad wanting to maintain control..Mom looking bewildered....all of us trying to help and or being told to help...what a trip!!! But the pasta was great...Uncle Joe was his usual joking, supportive self....I truly wished I could have filmed it...a "Sciretta production" if there ever was one. And lots of love, some sadness, as things are so changed. Oh, and a cute little Doctor friend of Dad's...walking around wanting to speak Italian to anyone who could. Seriously, it was good. Dad and Mom did a great job. I imagine they slept quite a bit today. I'm sure Dad will have his gripes, but they seemed to thank us all for being there and helping. Mom and Dad had another successful celebration! Thanks Mike and Bonnie for having me re-live some of the moments. It was fun laughing about some of the scenes and conversations. That's all for now. My thanks to all for your support and being there with us all. Special thanks and love to Ariel, Laura Jo, Sophie, Nathan and Ashley. What a joy to have such special little ones, smiling and playing oblivious to the changes occurring all around them. Guess one would say, "that's the circle of life." Bless us all and night. Toni

St. Joseph's In Motion

Mom and Dad are happily (maybe?) preparing for St. Joseph's dinner on Saturday evening. The pasta con sardi is being made....Dad is planning, counting possible guests. I tell you, the one thing I tend to forget in this whole journey is how very much they love each other. And from my point of view and experience, they have therefore, not had room for all of us on a regular or similar basis. (I guess I had noticed that before but it is so blatant now.) I think they are doing this dinner for each other...to have a connection and do a "job" together again.

They are "fighting" to maintain their connection and know they are losing the challange..at least in the psychological and awareness areas...in some ways, how could they manage or deal with anything else? This is all so deep and profound, you guys....in their eyes, they have only each other....and it's been that way forever. Enough...of my deep thoughts...and all of this prompted by pasta....(smile:-) )

will be back soon...love to all, Toni

Good morning everybody, I just wanted to say thanks for keeping the words coming. I check this blog thing often. It's always good to hear what's going on. I feel comforted that Mom's eye surgery went well and that Dad and she are back in house being with each other.

I'm also glad to hear about the work that Toni, Celeste and Steve are doing and how you are all struggling the good struggle to communicate with our predictably strong willed parents. I feel like I haven't added much action to my thoughts but for now I'm working hard on listening. And, I'm proud to be in family that cares for each other.

I hope you are all feeling well. Sue and I have been doing a nutritional detox and feeling some good changes. We even talk about staying with it a little longer. Dad asked: "why don't you just give up pretzles for lent?"

I think the six of us are still a challange to Mom and Dad's comfort zone when it comes to the control of their autonomy. I'm sure that Dad feels that we have a lot to learn about survival and rightfully so. He's done pretty damn good. I've thought about those 5 wishes, Toni, and all I keep coming up with is the one that you described so well: We want Mom and Dad to make the neccessary adjustments to their physical condition with any help we can give them and with lots of friendly conversation. I'm thinking it's happening that way......Bye for now, John

Nothing new from me

Talked with Mom and Dad briefly this morning. Dad was rather non-conversant...tried saying "good-bye" to me a couple of times...not sure what that was about. Perhaps they are glad to be alone..with no one asking them this or that..who knows. One minute they seem so very happy to have our presence and our help..then all of a sudden, they don't. The inventory workbook Dad so willingly took a week ago was still sitting in the kitchen..with the risk of being thrown out with other unwanted papers. The directions to the phone are missing, so I am glad I had practiced so much on the phone, so I knew how to delete all the latest callers. Anyway, I'll call them again in the day tomorrow.. Dad said "Mom is seeing a bit more." Mike, I experienced only a bit of what you did, of Dad's nervous navigating while I was driving to the Surgical Center. He really directed me very well initially..then became more anxious when he was unfamiliar with the lay of the land. I think I've said, it was an interesting time with them. Night for now. love, Toni

Mom Sounded Good

Hi you all..I spoke with Mom tonight. She sounded great. Thanks Toni & Mimi & Sophie for hanging out with Dad. I guess we should think about how we can get in there once a week to give them a hand with their tasks. This a short note. I am off to sleepy land. Toni, were you able to bookmark the blog address? Love & goodnight...Steve

At the Cifala Homestead

Hi all.  I am whipped...mostly from the heat here, I guess.  Already for the procedure tomorrow.  Mom and Dad are OK...Mimi is set to meet us at the surgical center to sit with grandpop and I.  And to help Noni get into house, as necessary.  Bless you, Mimi.  Won't write much.  But had to tell you that I could not remember the website address of this blog, so I basically googled "blogger.com"  And since I am on Dad's computer, the cookies kicked in and what do you know, I was on Celeste's "angels only" page...i could have posted as her, I guess.  So, Çis if you are reading this..whatever you did when you were here..worked.  Once you are on your blog, signed  in (as you apparently were), you just tell it you want to write a new post.  I know, you are through with this site, but I giggled when I saw your page pop up just by my googling "blogger"...no names...anyway, I'll be back with a report.  Dad seems OK...but they really do like their routine, and my being here tonight, except that I brought dinner mostly cooked, seemed supferfluous...they like their routine..and all these years, I thought Mom was the rigid one!!!...wrong!!! Love to all...

DON'T FORGET TO WRITE A COMMENT BELOW HERE OR ON THE OTHER POSTS IF YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO A CERTAIN POST....

Celeste, hope you don't mind me copying and pasting, but this way Jo will be able to see. She does not have a computer and doesn't look like she will in any near future. I spoke with her today and she assures me that Lauren helps her read and respond, that's all. Here is copy of Celeste's e-mail about her "visit in Virginia".

Hey Toni, John, Mike and Steve (any updates on JoAnn getting on the computer) --

My visit last week to see Mom and Dad was so great. I got in on Sunday before the snow. We watched an Illinois vs. Michigan State basketball game as the snow started to fall. Dad opened all the shutters and turned all the lights on. He such a romantic. We had a simple ham sandwich and soup dinner. Mom wasn't feeling good that day. She was all ready to go to church and told Dad she couldn't go. Monday she was REALLY sick. She never got out of bed, sick to her stomach and dizzy. Seems like the Aricept patch (they tried to switch from the pill form to see if it would relieve her leg cramps) was making her sick. Steve Turner came by and shoveled all the snow. Tuesday she was a little better. We actually were able to pick out new curtains for the den and I went to Target with Dad to buy a new phone for the kitchen. These were things he mentioned to me that keep him awake at night ***so I decided to pursue getting them taken care of. I can't wait till the curtains arrive to see if Mom still likes them or remembers we ordered them. I drove with Dad (and survived). He is pretty "lazy" behind the wheel. He doesn't stop at STOP signs. I gave him grief and told him if he were one of my son's driving like that he'd be in deep dodo. He's working on it. We had a lot of great conversations. He is stressed about a lot of things and of course worried about Mom. They have piles of "work", very well organized, but a lot to handle. Mom is not cooking very much. She did cook the cordon bleu for our family gathering.

It was great visiting with everyone on Thursday. And our meeting in the den was good. Toni, Steve, Dana, Mimi and I got to talk about the future. Toni, I know it will be a huge sacrifice on your part****, but thank you for agreeing to be with them if anything drastic happens. Have you told Mom and Dad that is your plan? It might relieve some of their fears. We also discussed weekly visits by one of the three VA/WVA camps. If you guys could work out some kind of rotation I think it would be especially good for Mom since she is not going out of the house much. I know this week Mom is having her cateract surgery on Thursday and Toni and Mimi are planning to be with them. THANKS !!!

Well I could write volumes but I won't. The main thing I heard from Dad is that he wants to be able to be with Mom, no matter what. He still has his money on an Asby Pond place. All the bigger places are taken but he told me he wouldn't want a big one now. I suggested he not give up on that option. Mom has definitely changed in the last year in terms of her memory and functioning. If she keeps on this course he will not be able to care for her by himself. He also mentioned live in help. Don't know if that would work. He fell twice in the last month and that has me very worried. He's walking up the steps in the morning with a hot pot of coffee, Urgh......

So I spoke to two people at Asby Pond today. I was concerned that that location didn't have the Renaissance Garden facility componant yet. That is their Extended Care place if folks get really needy. They are building one and it will be done by 2011. But the girl (Jill Mendoza) told me there is 24 hour Home Health Support, so they could probably stay together in the apt. for a long time. I also spoke to Dana (no last name) about space availability. The next size apartment down from the biggest apt. (Stratford) is available now. She cautioned not waiting too long. In the event that one of them, or both, are really in need of constant care they might not take them. If they are already living there they have to care for them.

Dad told me when he dropped me off at the train that he is the one that needs to come up with the plan. He hasn't defined what the plan is yet, but I think he knows he needs one pretty soon. I know it will have to be their decision about they do but I sure wish they would make this move so they can enjoy it together. And all the stress of all the "things" in and around that house will be out of the picture. I hope this makes sense. Its been a long day and I'm fading fast. I love you all. Good night. Celeste

I will go back to my note...I think I'll just comment below...anyone else can just click on the "comment" thing and write their response to this....try it. otherwise, just e-mail me with your thoughts and I'll post. Oh, I added a few stars in Celeste's notes as markers for me to respond to. Hope this all helps. Toni

Celeste & her visit with Mom & Dad

Hey..Had a great evening with Mom & Dad, Steve & Mimi & Sophie, & Toni.
We were able to have a couple of conversations about what we could all do to help both mom & dad in their ever changing landscape. Over the past several weeks between Toni, Mimi & I we have managed to get in there for much needed contact.We talked about the three of us, Toni,Mimi & myself, of getting over to their house at least once a week. I think it will work.
Also do mom & dad need to get out of the house or get someone to move in. Either of these moves would be hard...which one would be easier? Soooooo, I believe we should keep this blog up & running. Point is we all need to get on here & look @ the comments & put our ideas on here & continue to solve this revolving change in all of our lives. I will volunteer to get with Celeste & try & solve her problems with getting in the groove with doing this blog. Have a great week everyone! I am grateful that we can all talk to each other & weave thru the obstacles of having aging parents. Ciao Steve

It DID work John...thanks

here is a copy of the e-mail I just sent you all...so to keep this consistent....and again, I made sure last night that all of you are able to POST..though may have to have a gmail address to post. You don't need one to make a "comment."

Hi all. John was able to post a post today....great!! I am discussing something for Mom in October, but will send out more info to everyone soon. I am sending for some brochures...just hoping that all would be available for something. John summarized the idea so well in his post....about something where we could all be together and have a quiet gathering. I had some thoughts in my comment...(click on "comment' at end of John's post if you want to see it.) I know we all have lots of thoughts and concerns about Mom and Dad.

I have not been sending e-mails with each post any more, as no use having so many methods going on. Plus if you respond to my e-mail, it is not readily available to all. What I have for me is the Cifala blog with a "shortcut" on my desktop or you can bookmark the blog and just check every day for more posts....

If it is a very important change or incident, I will e-mail everyone that I posted a note on the blog, otherwise, just check in as you may.

Still haven't posted a note about our visit with Mom and Dad last week...or the plans for Mom's cataracts removal this Thursday. Mimi and I are being with them together....nice! Love to all, Toni

Maybe THIS will work

I just read Toni's thoughts about renting a place to gather around Mom for her birthday in Oct. I have to say my first thought was about the money. I could get over that, especially concidering what a good time we would have with Mom and Dad if the organization could go along smoothly. The main concept is that the six of us can get together peacefully somewhere other then 27th Street, and have a little party for Mom.

Invites to Post

Hello. I thought I had sent out "invitations" for all to be able to post...maybe I didn't. Anyway you should be receiving a request to be able to post to our blog. They are calling it a "team blog"..so try it. I have contiuned to look for another blog, but this one seems to be the most useable...and I really believe it will help us all, including Mom and Dad(the energy produced), to have us knowing what is happening between us. Let me know...still have to write a post about our time with Mom and Dad this week. It was pretty good, I think. In some ways, I am in awe of their determination and stubbornness. smiles and hugs...love, Toni

A Copy and Pasted comment from Celeste.

just want to make sure you all have seen this note...I didn't know Cis had put it in a comment ...sorry I wasn't observing enough...I still wish all of you could "post" a note....and we could all check this blog at least once a day. I am tired tonight, but will post a note about Celeste's and my time and Steve and family with Mom and Dad. I will say that they BOTH made it to the Osteopathic Dinner Celebration tonight...I left them this afternoon getting dressed...helping each other to prepare for a nice time...they are energized (one way or the other!) by our involvement with them. Here is Celeste's "pre-Arlington visit":

Celeste said...
Hi Everyone ~ I'm going to visit Mom and Dad Sunday. I'll be there till Friday. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to accomplish. I have some lofty goals. I'm going to start with the simple ones, like I want to get Mom out of the house for a walk up the block. Not out of sight of the house. Maybe she could do this on her own with Dad watching from the steps. I want to take Dad to the movies to see "the Wrestler". He expressed and interest. I want to have a substinative conversation about what THEY WANT. I don't want to eat, I'm on a diet for lent. I need to shed my beer belly a bit. Got a really nice note from Aunt Mary Ellen today in response to my phone call a month or so ago. She and Uncle Joe are concerned and have been trying to encourage them to move to a safer environment. It was a very heartfelt note and she offered any help we might think of. Well, I am trying to run a business and need to go check my messages. It is really storming here now. Yes, Spring showers are here. Love you all. Give me a buzz if you have any concerns or ideas for me to bring to VA. Celeste
February 26, 2009 3:29 PM

Probably closing this down!

Hi all. Mike is still having problems with posting comments, and obviously everyone is having problems, so I am going to look for a more user friendly blog system....i really wanted your responses to my list of wishes for Dad and Mom....Mike called me today and basically disagrees with what I wish for. he believes that Mom and Dad will make their own decisions on their own time....I thought I was saying that too...but he said, "if Dad thinks one of us is telling him what to do, he's not going to do it!" We shall see. I just think strongly that we all need to know what each of us is thinking. I strongly believe that inventorying any of their things needs to be their thing...and perhaps we can have a request or two....but they will need help and who will help them? I'm not sure. I think it better be an objective, non-family member to get them started...anyway, that's all for now....Steve and I and Celeste are going to try to have a 3 way phone conversation. If I see anywhere that we can do more folks at the same time, i'll let you know. bye for now. I'll keep this going until i find another site. love, Toni

5 Wishes

Hi all. Hope everything is good. Today, we had some warmish weather...spring bulbs, gardening stuff is out in stores...yikes....Celeste will be here visiting next week...can't wait to see you Cis. I know Mom and Dad are looking forward to it...they went to Costco today and bought lots of food...!!! Mom said, "As long as we can do this....we are so happy to..." They seemed energized...I teasingly told Bob maybe we should tell them we are coming for dinner once a week...and that would keep them motivated...huh....would poop them out eventually...they are doing their thing...good for them!!

Anyway, wanted to ask a favor of you all. I already mentioned to Steve and Cis...

That each of us makes a 5 point wish list for Mom and Dad...what is it that we each would wish for them? Please put in the blog....try it anyway....if you have trouble, I'll coordinate any notes.

Maybe Cis and I and Steve if we get the opportunity to sit and talk with Mom and Dad...we could think in the terms of all our wishes for them. (Would't necessarily have to tell them about our lists...talk to them first, I think...)

Oh, I know what we want is not the important thing, but if we could have 5 wishes for them, what would they be? I think that would let each of us know what's going on in each other's minds. Of course, their safety is paramount for all of us, I'm sure. We all will continue to discuss with them options and alternatives to their safety and health issues. Knowing what all of us wish may help with any discussions we have with Mom and Dad.

My wishes would be:

1. Mom and Dad both begin to share more, with all of us, what they may want or need. And if they don't know..which Dad has said often, then I wish for them to seek a consultation with someone who is knowledgeable, objective, and experienced with helping elders maintain their independence and spiritual, mental, and physical health. I wish that Mom and Dad are able to maintain the safe and peaceful independence that they so seem to want and deserve.

2. Mom and Dad establish a support system close-by to assist them until one of us could get there to help them; also this support system could help with managing some day to day issues...i.e. Someone for Dad to talk with about whatever....Help with electronics for Dad if one of us unable to help him; help with or doing their finances; help with household maintenance; someone to make a regular visit to establish trust in outside services; provide rides or grocery shopping as necessary. I wish Mom and Dad seek out the assistance that will keep them independent as possible.

3. I wish Dad and Mom develop relationship with a driver for any "longer" trips and activities and that Dad begin to see his alternatives. Dad is beginning to say a bit about not making long drives, though has mentioned to me wanting me to help him drive to several distant places...so I don't know....

4. I wish Dad and Mom are able to inventory their belongings, decide how to best manage all their belongings, utilize a professional perhaps in any type of sale, and hand down their most precious items to their children. They make a list of all their special belongings, considering what they would like to have happen and also perhaps, providing each of a list of things they would like us to have....and we each could have the opportunity to make some choices.

5. I wish that Mom and Dad eventually agree, if they continue to want to stay in their home, that they have someone live in with them. (Not sure what I wish about the stairs yet!). we all invest in an elevator!!!!!????

That's it...speaks for itself..love to all and hope to hear your wishes....Toni

(Might I add that I've reread this a thousand times...hope my thoughts and feelings come through in an understandable manner. Let me know if you have any questions about what I've said, as I know the written word can be misunderstood...Thanks...love you..)

Good Saturday Morning to All

Not much....Talked with Mom yesterday. Dad was "cleaning the pool." "Oh, he's not in it", Mom said, "He's using the poles!" Of course, the poles are probably more difficult than if he were in the pool She said the water is too cold for him to swim in??? I did not talk with him. hey, cis, he probably wants to take a swim with you...so has to "clean the yellow out." I will try to catch Dad this weekend. It's supposed to snow (though haven't heard today's forcast.) It's sunny out here right now. Anyway, I'm sure there will be cooking and cleaning in preparation...no use my suggesting they wait until you are there Cis...so you can help. I've said that thousands of times to them when they are preparing for a visit. They love all your visits and must do their thing....perhaps they will surprise us and have you help them, Cis....hopefully. I'll be back later...

I hear Steve is away with his family and I spoke with JoAnn yesterday from Florida who had an absolutely wonderful visit with Uncle Pete and Dorothy. The anniversary of Aunt Jenny's death was this past week...10 years..I think on Ariel's birthday....but Uncle Pete "was so happy to see us," Jo said. He went in the pool, floated around and they all went to lunch. He wishes Mom and Dad could get down there to be with him for awhile. bye for now..

Checking In

Quiet here last few days. I missed Dad (he was out) a few times when I called or they were busy and couldn't talk. Spoke briefly with Mom....will have to persue again. I tend to get tired of hearing all the things he complains about and yet chooses to "keep things the same." Sorry for that, you all. The house looked good on my visit..frig clean and orderly....table decorated for Valentines' day...Beautiful, terrific, in fact, red roses from Dad to Mom..sorry I didn't have my camera with me. He really is phenomenal at buying just right for Mom....It would be good to take Mom to the card store and buy a batch of various celebration cards for Dad, since she doesn't do that anymore. I'll try to see how I could have that happen. I wonder if she would have the patience/attention to look at cards? Bob did some more plumbing with Dad. I fooled around with the computer and the TV with Dad. He does have trouble...and some of it is NOT his fault...just bad luck I guess....and "stupid" service people. To my knowledge, Dad hasn't called any of the resources people...including the lady that is Dr. Orsinger's housekeeper.

JoAnn is in Florida enjoying wonderful weather. She still has her cough...oh, and she will probably see Uncle Pete and Dorothy. And Bonnie and Mike, thanks for the articles from Unity...and the Christmas picture....talk to you all soon...Steve...haven't heard from you fellow West Virginian for a few days. Hope all is good for the Cifala's...Cis...hi to all...and John, great talking with you recently..Hope your Valentines' Day turned out great with the popcorn and movie and Sue....Bob and I stayed home...I decorated a bit and made a nice dinner. Night for now..love to all...

A Blog "Learning"

Hi...just discovered that if you go down the left side of the blog, you will see "Blog Archives". If you click on the Subject line (it is linked), like "Reminder", it will take you to just that post with all the comments showing, one after the other. It makes it easier to see the line of conversation. Try it...

1. Go down left hand side of blog..past pictures and resources.
2. Pick a post...like "Reminders"..or you can find any post that has been written.
3. Click on the post name which is linked.
4. The post with all the comments should be on one page now...can read in order.


You can get back to the regular view...click HOME at bottom of post.

back later........

Reminder.

When you check the blog, look at the bottom of the post to see if there are comments attached. The post I wrote last night now has 5 comments...Celeste did it! And happy 23rd to Ben...wow!

keep at it....figure this blog attempt of ours is only a tiny example of how Mom and Dad feel struggling in their world of growing older..."unkown, "confusing," "want to do it, but somehow doesn't work"...etc. etc....smiles and hugs on that one!!! Toni

Various E-mails....

Want to share.Here are pasted notes from 3 e-mails.....I'll write some things in another post, as I spent some hours with Mom and Dad today. If I didn't know all that I know, I'd think that they were very much better and capable than they talk on a daily basis...great dinner, they enjoyed cooking, Dad and I worked with the verizon and Tv in basement and we did some surfing on the computer....no real concerns or complaints from them....who knows? See my next post...by the way Steve, I agree with all you said. Hmmmmm...????

From John to Steve Feb. 15 Subject: Grab Rails
Hello Steve , I think rail on the other wall of the stairway and some motion detector spot lamps plugged into an outlet with a little radio reciever switch. I gave 20 bucks to Home Depot for an "eye" and a reciever years ago and I still use it. We need at least 3 of them. I'm not suggesting anyone of us should do this. Mom and Dad are CEO. Pass whatever along to angelblog. I need computer classes. Love to yus Brother

From Steve to John Feb. 15
hey John...sounds good. I think another rail on the opposite side is a must.
They both need to use the lights without hesitation. Motion detectors would be a good idea.
I agree with Celeste on the approach that we tell them they NEED safety upgrades in their house.
Explain to them the dire need & consequences if they don't make the move.
I know we can't get them to do certain things, but this is the cold hard facts & we don't want either of them going down the stairs.
Yea, I haven't had any problems getting on the blog...not sure what you could be doing wrong.
Ciao for now...Steve

Subject: FW: Grab rails
From John to Toni Feb. 15
So......Do I have this right. We can continue this entire dialogue on the angel blog?,,,,,,,,,,Brother John

More on Safety.

Hi...it would be great to hear from several of you about your ideas on helping Mom and Dad agree to a few safety changes....I will copy and paste the e-mail exchanges of the last few days to here....let me know what problems you are having with the blog so maybe Steve or I can help. Thanks...More later....

Oh, here is the e-mail I received from Dr. Orsingers today after his visit to Mom and Dad's...I hope he keeps it up and I e-mailed him back to say thanks and visit again!!! He is a very nice man whom Mom and Dad have talked a lot about for many many years. He is 87. Has a home near that junior high school off Williamsburg blvd. you know, Bonnie you read his wife's book:

"From: ViNevi@aol.com
Date: 2/13/2009 1:46:41 PM
To: spunar@sprynet.com
Subject: Visit to your folks

It was a spur of the moment to drop in on them. I guess from my Boy Scout Days "Do a good turn daily." I think we three enjoyed it. Being a MAC guy for many years, I hope I opened a few more doors for him to enjoy what his machine can do. You might try http://www.orsinger.net/billviola/ if I hadn't given you that one. The Orsinger site is temporarily down, but enjoy the Italian part. Both your parents understood when I spoke in Italian. The first thing dad asked me was about my cleaning lady. I'm mailing them that today. I'm waiting for a first proof of your stories. There are several other good book too. The main thing is to WRITE, right now. You can edit later. Bill Orsingers"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is the e-mail exchange between Steve, Celeste and I....you all received the safety/fall information, right?

"From: ToniAnn Spunar
Date: 2/13/2009 3:14:33 PM
To: Celeste Roy
Subject: Re: Fw: The Risks of Falls

Cis..I totally agree...but yes, we(Steve and I many times) have discussed a second railing, a grab bar at the top of the steps; dad has been unbalanced on the steps for a long time...This was a main topic when I stayed there for a couple of weeks 2 years ago when he was sick. He absolutely refused to listen to me or the rehab folks though he did agree on the railing in the den bathroom and outside the kitchen door. He talks about how unsteady he is all the time.....I agree, his luck or angel protection is going to wane. He didn't tell me he had stuff in his hands...which means, he probably wasn't holding on at all , even to one railing. They don't recognize or are denying the many opportunities for a crisis. Oh, Cis, I have discussed these things so often with them....apparently their knowledge has little to do with their behavior....we will talk more...love you. I see Dad changing ever so slightly...he told me he talked with Mom about the Buckley group. And the accountant lady came over and took all the financial stuff to work on. Now they are bickering about soft or rough sheets. Remind me to tell you about that one. And Happy Valentines to you and all of you...Toni

From: Celeste Roy
Date: 2/13/2009 1:46:04 PM
To: ToniAnn Spunar
Cc: Steve Cifala; Bonnie Mc-Cifala; johnsuneil@hotmail.com; laurenbabe@aol.com
Subject: Re: Fw: The Risks of Falls

Hi All ~ Tried to use the Blog but no time to figure out what happened to my way in to comment. Anyway, I think the time for strong encouragement on extra railings and an alert system are here. We can no longer worry about whether they'll like it or not. They are both in danger. If Dad had gone down the steps along with the stuff he was carrying (that is what he told me, all the things he was carrying went down) he would be gone. He has some pretty powerful angels but.......Steve have you spoken to them about a railing?? I'm going to call now and see if I can get this conversation started. They are such smart people urgh....why can't they see this. Love you, Happy Valentine's Day. Celeste
On Fri, Feb 13, 2009 at 9:14 AM, ToniAnn Spunar <spunar@sprynet.com> wrote:
Thanks Steve...good review....and certainly supports of we've been thinking...the lifeline thing is also a good idea, though doubtful would be welcomed by Dad or Mom..I loved mine..felt so secure....thanks again...
bye for now....

Another....safety issues....

Hi all. Steve and I just talked. Steve will probably check out the possibility of putting up another railing on other side of upstairs steps and some type of grab bar at the top of the steps. Mom and Dad declined this before, but we'll see. And Steve, I'm sorry about the plumbing thing. Would have encouraged Dad to call you if i had known he had already discussed with you. Also wanted to let everyone know that Dad continues with issues with atrial fibrillation...and pacemaker and medication to manage the atrial fibrillation...he is considering his options, though there has been a recent "tweek" of the new battery in the pacemaker (proceedure he had done in December.) Perhaps the slight change in the pacemaker will make a difference. I'm sure he'll get around to talking with everyone about it...I'll let you know if any changes....So send those positive vibes to their house for the accountant and Mom and Dad tomorrow....back soon...love you, Toni

saftey

Hi Toni,
Not sure how to make the house any safer. Bottom line is that they both need to be more aware of their surroundings. Dad needs to be coaxed into using his cane. Even in the house.
Maybe another railing & grab bars @ the top of the stairs.
Good talk last night Toni. Sounds like Dad is responding to your suggestions & ideas.
Ciao...Steve

More Thoughts

Hi..thanks Steve...Decided I'd do a new post so that it wouldn't be missed in a comment section. I knew about the fall...and the other one....I have reviewed, discussed all the safety issues...asked him why in the world he walked upstairs in the dark?...I spoke with Mom who said, "He'll never go upstairs ahead of me again." (She was in the kitchen.) What stopped him was the wall, I think....he fell into part of it. He does seem concerned about having gotten hurt...actually, I think the other fall had to do with the room being dark also. I'll go over that with him again. What can we do? I've discussed those steps, falling, etc. for years...I have spoken with him every day....Bob went over on Sunday and did part of a plumbing job with him. Bob had some things to do to finish the job and will. I was planning on going over there this week, but Dad seemed to have too much on his mind. Tomorrow, the accountant assistant is coming over. He asked me to talk with Mom today to try and help her understand his move on this. She did OK with me. Basically, I tried to have her see it as "doing something for Dad." "Because we all know he is unable to help you with this money stuff and he feels badly about that." Which is true...We talked about how he and all of us wish she could do all that she used to, but we all change and may have trouble doing things we used to do. So.....what are your ideas to have them be more safe?

He's talking about going to OC this weekend. He is not telling me for sure at this point. soooo...I am very grateful Mimi was able to give him a massage today. I figured he would tell her about the fall....He eventually tells all of us what happens to him. I still will try to go and see him on Thurs. or Fri...he and I both decided that my being there with the accountant tomorrow, may have Mom feeling more overwhelmed with pressure. I deeply wish we had more control over all of this...but they are still (and want to be) in control. I have found that when talking with either one of them, I find the opportunity to voice my opinions in the context of their conversation...I believe they will come around...maybe if this finance person is helpful, they will consider other help. Dad DID ask for a few phone numbers....hasn't done anything with them yet. In my work through the years, I discovered that "change was usually measured in small sucessess". I know that things are moving more quickly for them now....I am on "their pulses" just about every second...believe me, and watching them closely, as I pray that they find their way. I may not be in their home, but I know what they've bought at the store, know what the doctors say, know what they are doing just about every day, talk with them about their worries and frustrations....and their hesitancy to do anything differently. This is a BIG step for Dad to have this woman accountant come into their home, pretty much against Mom's wishes, worrying about what it "may do to her to take this away from her???" I coached him to try and find, with the woman, something that Mom could do....This is BIG....I hope he actually goes through with it....Mom seemed like she would give it a try. I just kept telling her that we all love her....want her to feel more at ease....so...that's it. I am going to try and call Steve now....more tomorrow. It certainly did seem to increase their attentiveness to themselves to have frequent calls...love you

Falling

Hey Everyone,
Mimi called me today & said Dad called her to come over to work on his back.
He told her he was going up the stairs & when he got to the top he made his move to head left towards the bedroom, and said his feet didn't seem to move & he fell backwards almost falling down the stairs. He wasn't very clear to Mimi how he fell & how he stopped himself.
He also told her he fell not to long ago on the back porch. Claims Mom left the small stool out close to the couch. He said he landed on the couch. So.... sounds like a close call.
I guess its time to make more contact with them. Like all of us calling once a day.
Lets put our heads together & make a move. Ciao....Steve

Been a few days!

Hi all. Things are unchanged, though Dad and Mom are better as far as their colds, congestion, coughs, etc. Mom is still trying so hard to get the taxes arranged. Apparently she (this may be old news?) dropped a batch of important papers all over the den floor....difficult now to get back in to order...besides all the other things she does routinely...or sadly, used to do. Dad has said he is having an assistant to the accountant they use come over this week one day to "give us an idea of how we can simplify this process". Dad is concerned as to whether it is the "right thing to do for Mom?" I suggested, which I think he had already thought of, that the lady make sure she give Mom some things to do, so that she would not feel left out...if she wants, of course. Maybe (I sincerely doubt it) Mom will be relieved....anyway, I'm sure Dad will talk about it. But I will let you know. He has not called Buckley's or the driver, though he asked for the phone numbers. I have not asked about it. Bob is doing some plumbing with Dad...fixed the toilet and one sink yesterday. Since it was decided to do this at the last minute I already had some plans, and thought perhaps things would go more smoothly if I weren't there. (Ha..this was one time, Dad hoped Mom would stay in the den, so that he and Bob could get the "dirty" work done.) I will really try to go over there for a short visit this week one day. That's all for this moment. I'll try to get back later. Love you, Toni

"House-Keeping" Note

Hi...I am trying to have this be a bit easier....I will set it so only 2 days of posts will be on front page and if you want to read more in the past, click on "older posts." And I took out the word-verification check if you send a comment and I think I made the "comment box" bigger or different...not actually sure about that one. But after each post is the word "comment" and you click on and comment....or you can do your own post...or not if too confusing. And i will delete the very first posts on Friday...so re-read if you want. (Maybe there is a way to save to my hard drive?? I'll check it out.)

Small discussion b/w Celeste and Toni

Just want to post that Celeste commented on the post of Feb. 1 "Two E-mail Responses"..and I commented to her...in case you want to follow. I'm sure there is a way to "follow threads" in the blog...one specific converstation to another...but I don't know it. Anyway...I had pasted e-mails from John and Cis...and Cis commented back...and then me....

Later on Feb. 1, I added the post about my phone call with Dad on Sunday about the resources I knew about and had contacted...and he did not argue or "walk away" too fast from what I was saying. then Feb. 2, I posted the e-mail from St. James...

Just trying to keep it all straight. Please each let me know if I should delete the older posts..may keep it more simple...leave on 2-3 days and then delete..unless there is a long discussion going on a specific post? Let me know what you think.

Had a great talk with JoAnn today and caught her up to date...she has been calling Dad and Mom more frequently also.

Nothing particular to post today. Dad's voice sounded a bit "gravely"...said he is fine. went to exercise...had breaded filet mignon again....Mom was pleased with herself. And she is struggling with the "books"....I've offered several suggestions...Dad says she won't do anything differently. Night for now....I'll keep talking.....and prompting....love, Toni

MORE RESOURCE NEWS...

Hi. just want to copy a note I received from St. James' office. I will keep all the numbers and the e-mail addresses of the office and Sr. Mary Jo...I e-mailed Ms. Duerst back and thanked her and told her I would let Mike know they had attempted to visit Dad. (Funny he didn't mention to me???) or am I surprised? It may mean a "visit from a priest" means something else besides what we all want it to mean. I don't know. Just trying to see it from his eyes and heart and soul. That doesn't mean I am against trying to have him accept a visit. (I can hear him thinking now, "how can a priest help me with the finances Mom is so preoccupied with and I know nothing about!!!") SMILE......Here's the e-mail:

Dear Mrs. Spunar:

Thank you for your note regarding your parents Dr. John and Laura Cifala. Father Posey received a call from your brother in the West Coast about a month ago asking if he would stop by and visit your parents. Your brother mentioned that he was concerned that your Father felt a bit overwhelmed. Father Posey asked me to call your Dad to see if he and Sr. Mary Jo (who oversees Ministry of the Sick/visits the elderly, etc.) could stop by and visit with them. I called twice and finally received a return call from your Dad saying that they had been under the weather but that he would be calling Father Posey to schedule a time for him to stop by and visit. At this time we are awaiting a call from your Dad to set this up. Father Posey can’t force the issue at this time. What I said to your Dad in my calls (I left phone messages, I never spoke with your Dad directly) was that Father Posey and Sister Mary Jo were visiting our elderly parishioners to keep in touch. If you could would you please let your brother know that Father is trying his best to schedule a visit. If there is anything else we can do to help let us know. In the meantime we will wait for your Dad’s call to schedule a visit. Sr. Mary Jo’s phone number is 703-532-8815 Ext. 130. You could also e-mail Sr. Mary Jo at the following e-mail address srmaryjomcdonald@yahoo.com.

Frances Duerst
Administrative Assistant
St. James Catholic Church
905 Park Avenue
Falls Church, Virginia 22046
703-532-8815 Ext. 128


I'll be back later...

Good Morning....

Hi all. By the way, I think all us Cifala's are awesome!!!! So glad I wasn't an only child! Anyway, had a good or maybe even great talk with Dad yesterday. "Sad-fully" I think he has become more and more worrisome about how Mom is managing the finances. I held my breath, so to speak, and said, "Dad, I am going to say this and you can take it as you will, but I think I have spoken with a group of very good people that possibly could help you and Mom out." I further explained about the Buckley group...he said "I knew there were groups out there like that, how did you find them?" (Dah!?) I explained it all to him. Told him about Mr. Evert...what the people had said, etc. He actually listened and asked questions. Then I told him I had found a ride for him to Philadelphia next year. He sounded very slightly eager to know more. In fact he said, "I'll need a ride in June!" So we chatted about all this for awhile. He wondered what it would be like to "talk to one of these people. What would they say? How would the meeting go?" (He almost sound fearful or at least worried about such a new experience for him and Mom.) I role-played a bit with him....this made him a bit uptight and I could feel him backing off a bit. I did jump in and ask if he wanted to speak with Mr. Evert, as he would get an hour free from Buckley's the first time. That perhaps he could help with sorting out what has to be done with the books, or he could sit with him at the computer. And then Dad really backed away. (I wasn't surprised) I told him, I am glad I have found these possibilities for them, but he would have to decide what he wants. So........who knows. He listened and exchanged his thoughts, and sounded curious.....Oh, Celeste, I asked him about using a ministry at Church. He said he had spoken to the woman who runs the "Widows" group who said that Father Posey and the church doesn't actually do much...that they "give out a bunch of phone numbers!" So??? Maybe I could call this woman to see if she has anything to suggest. But for good or bad, the decision lies with Mom and Dad for now. We just have to send all our good energy their way, because I believe just having this blog work, is strong....oh, and he was able to receive my e-mails with Martha Stewart recipe links...and look at the links! He asked me to send because he had watched her show and liked the recipes. See, when he is calmer, he can do things. And they are cooking more meals...guess he decided he may as well start doing more because Mom just can't do it alone. That's all for now....Keep the positive vibes and prayers coming. I know it helps me to know you all are here, just beyond this key board....SMILES....love to all and i'll be back...Please let me know what you think....Toni

Two E-Mail responses...

Before I write my own post for the day, I wanted to "cut and paste" e-mails from Celeste and one from John.....we'll all figure out how to use this site one day....until then, I'll help with keeping us "all on the same page." And I am realizing, that the more all of us use this blog, the more we will know the happenings in each other's lives....I think that's a good thing. So, here are the e-mails....I'll write more later. Watching the Super Bowl and making dinner...love you, Toni
~~~~~~~~----------------------------------------------------------- ~~~~~~~~
To: spunar@sprynet.com
Subject: RE: [The Cifala Loop] Just a bit..

Hey Toni, Wish I was better at this but I'm overwhelmed with tech challanges at work and with home office support. I lovin what i'm seeing on the angel blog.......so love to alll!! I'll figure it out...I'm grateful for a cool family. Mom and Dad rock!!!!!!! Thanks, Toni. John
------------------------------------~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~------------------------
To: ToniAnn Spunar
Subject: Re: The Cifala Loop : NEW RESOURCE LINKS..ST. JAMES

That's great. I think they may be more willing to take help from church members. I'm sure those folks would be open to whatever they'd need. Not sure about a trip to the beach, but who knows.

Super Bowl Day !!! And Rene's birthday. We are going to friends to watch the game. I'm bringing the birthday cake. Last night I took Rene out on a surprise date to see my favorite Cajun band and there were dancing lessons before the concert. Danny and Lisa came with us and we danced alot and after went to a great Greek place. It was a lot of fun. Talk to you soon. Got to get ready for church. Love you, Celeste

NEW RESOURCE LINKS..ST. JAMES

Hi. Don't know why I didn't think of this simple effort sooner??? I went online...I also e-mailed the parish...there are several numbers in the "social outreach" page that may be good for Mom and Dad. And I did ask to have Father Posey read my e-mail. We shall see. I told him that perhaps he had already been contacted by one or more of my siblings. Basically I asked about outreach to the elderly. The website does say they have rides available, but I noticed in the Church bulletin that there were requests for people to drive a couple of men to Mass. So, not sure how it works. Just wanted you to know...hope you find the links of interest.

Just a bit..

First, Celeste and I had a mini conversation in the comments section of the last post...check it out..and you too Cis...I commented to you. Dad sounded pretty good today..he was able to go to exercise yesterday and today (Friday). He said he still gets rounds of coughing, but he is using the cough medicine better. He talked about recipes he watched on Martha Stewart he is interested in finding online...I looked them up for him and e-mailed them to him...we'll see what happens. Not much else. Celeste is checking on a ministry for seniors at St. James. I'll be back..love you

Some Resource News

Hi. I am having trouble adding a few links...but decided to do a post. I think I had some success today.. Spoke with Deb at Buckley's for Seniors. I had spoken with her months ago. She was so nice and had me vent a bit and ask her advice. Actually she has no solution for having Dad and Mom want to use these services. She told me, however, they had just hired a 64 year old man who they thought would be great for Mom and Dad. She sent me the man's resume...ha...worked for Social Security, unions, various volunteering....I tried to find out from Deb what his "goals for working with this Senior Services group" might be. And I asked her if he was "people friendly" besides sounding like he is very methodical and intelligent. Mrs. Buckly hired him right away, Deb said. Here is her response to my question about "people friendly":

"Good question, ToniAnn. Since Ray has just started working with us, it's hard to address the people skills question from the standpoint of a client. I can only speak to how he came across during the interview and it was very well. He was hired on the spot due to his presentation, education and obvious interest in and ability to relate to seniors. I would say that he is quite articulate and related quite well to Buckley and me and he has been very responsive to our requests for service even during the recent ice storm. He was one of the few employees on staff who braved the weather on Tuesday to get two clients to where they needed to be. He definitely impressed us and we are happy to have him on board. As we get feedback from the clients, we'll be glad to pass it on to you."


Here is answer to his possible goals:
"I just realized I did not address your first question re: goals for working for Buckleys. That is an interesting question. Normally, folks who come to us to work are looking for a way to give something back to the community. Our work is so very part time and not at all career-oriented that we never address goals with them. We often tell them this is a job for people who like to volunteer and get paid for it. We frequently hire recent retirees who have time on their hands and like working with seniors. This is the case with Ray who also is an avid hiker which is hard to do around here during the winter so he's given us some of that spare time and we are grateful.Hope that helps!"


Anyway, now we should all put our heads together and think about a way to have Mr. Evert be introduced to Dad and Mom. And then there is Bill Blackwell...another "older" gentleman, whom Buckley referred. He drives people places...like long trips, like to OC and maybe even out here to see Steve and I!!!! Maybe he could drive one way sometime....and Steve and/or I would do the other trip. I've spoken with him by phone and he sounds very nice. He advertises on Craig's list. And like I said, was recommended by this Senior Service. I guess the ideal thing would be that the Service gentleman (Jay Evert) would help with day to day things as they crop up...and this Bill would help with longer trips.....

I found 3 ads for Bill on Craig's list..he said he has to post his ad every day...he has about 20 regular clients. Charges $45 an hour. not sure about how he works the gas...he drives his own car. Said he would drive them to OC and then go and stay with family in Salsbury.....would have to be all worked out with he and Mom and Dad, of course.

So, I'll work on the links so you are able to see Bill Blackwell's ads...he advertizes for "Take a Night out on the Town" (Buckley's does this too). He advertises for tours around DC and for regular ole trips to the doctor....

He said he would be glad to speak with Dad and work out a fee. He would want Dad to agree to talking with him before he calls him. He will be away for weekend, so I'll take it easy on introducing to Dad....

Not sure which Dad would be more likely to agree to talk with....Oh, Buckley's charges $50 and hour, with an hour minimum. Their group would be like the lead group, with this "driver" Bill available to plan longer trips.

So...a lot to read...but wanted you all to know, I am feeling fairly positive about it. I bet Deb from Buckley's has listened to me and kindly tried to problem solve with me for at least an hour of her time counting several months ago. I keep thanking her. She has asked for no money....we'll see how it goes..(I guess she wants another client too.)

Mom and Dad were having a frozen salsbury steak tonight..probably splitting a frozen meal...Mom was so cute. She said, "I asked Dad if we would just be eating these frozen meals every night." Then she told me his answer, sort of, that they had made a plan to have a frozen meal 3 nights a week. I am going to find some really gourmet frozen meals for them....

And the last thing for today...JoAnn commented on my last post...yippee. She says she reads the blog every day and makes her feel closer to everyone...so post her back..

Better get up and walk around...I'll be in touch...will "grab a moment" to tell Dad about my findings today..but I told him that I "did not want to overwhelm him" with too many new ideas at one time...just trying to acknowledge how terribly hard this must be for them. Night for now...post back...let me know what you think...if you e-mail me, not everyone can share....

How do you all like the "gadgets" I added to the Blog? love, Toni

No Philly trip????

Well, yesterday Dad didn't think he was going to Philly..the weather; and they still weren't feeling totally OK..and he discussed the driving issue a bit with me...on the topic "outskirts" only...but seems he is thinking about needing a driver, at least for longer trips...worried about the cost...I think.

Today, he told Laurette that he and Mom were doing better..that he was "melting the ice on my car by letting it run a bit." He told Laurette they were NOT going to Philadelphia.

Tonight did not mention Philly to Steve...and told him he didn't finish cleaning off the car....but wants to go to exercise tomorrow.
I will definitely call them in the morning to make sure of their plans....

I think Steve's idea of us all calling and "checking on them" frequently, may be a way of getting them to think 1) that we are all concerned; 2) that perhaps they need the calls; 3) and finally, to have them realize they need some type of assistance and need to make some decisions...

Didn't learn anything new today about resources, but did put a few interesting things on the Blog page...just to look at...enjoy...and come back and do comment....or post your own messages....

You don't have to spend the time I do..because I have time!....Just take a few minutes and add to a discussion. Thanks...and love, Toni

Frozen dinner "GOOD!"

Dad and Mom said the frozen dinner was good. Dad still seems interested in checking out special frozen cuisine I found through Peapod....talked about alternative "rides" to Philadelphia...he said "not sure he and Mom should go anyway, so they can continue to get better." He said he has been checking out drivers in the area. Worried about how much it may cost in general and for a trip somewhere???? We talked about limos....at least he was willing to discuss with me. but...interestingly, as we talked and answers weren't coming...he began to cough and had to put Mom on the phone...but in general he said they are both feeling better. not much else....oh, he did get a hold of a Verizon person finally, after many steps...apparently, the check he sent in early Jan....Verizon never received, so he will send another one. I understand he has received a "cut-off" notice as they had not received his check. He seemed to handle fairly well, though understandably annoyed with all the inconvenience. I will keep following up with him about this. So..good-night to all. Snow was nice today...barely 2 inches...love, Toni

Good Evening...

Thanks for all your birthday wishes..had a nice day and especially dinner with Laurette, Rick and Nathan on Sat evening. It was soooo fun and spending time with the Sullivans was the best! About my conversation with Mom and Dad today..about 5 PM...they sounded GOOD! I had made a big order for home delivery online groceries with some things I thought may stir Dad's tastebuds....the delivery system is part of Giant foods...it's called PeaPod...

minimum order...$50 so may be difficult for them to use every week or so. Anyway, I had discussed this with Dad before, but PeaPod had some good savings coupons..so thought I'd try it...spent a good part of the day "shopping"....and decided at the last minute to call and tell Mom and Dad about it....just in case I needed to change before 6 PM...it's neat...order before 6 PM today and get in the morning the next day..delivered to their door...Anyway, Dad made it to grocery shop today, so had bought basically everything I had...some regular staples and few freezer meals... he sounded like he was looking forward to trying a Marie Callendar's frozen meal tonight..Mom and Dad were cooking it...anyway, they both thanked me, but asked me to hurry and cancel the order before 6PM....I had that leeway. Dad said perhaps if I had told him ahead of time, he would't have gone shopping..but at the same time he sounded proud he had known there were sales....and saved some money. Said he made a plan to do 3 things today and was out of house by 8:30 AM...

No coughing, no mention of fatigue, no complaints, really, of course, I didn't ask him those questions...was dealing with the grocery issue. Dad seemed "impressed" that i knew some of the items he might like. He said perhaps he may try the delivery service at another time...I pointed out the fast ordering time, the same food as in the grocery stores...he sounded more interested than usual in trying frozen prepared foods. There is a cuisine at Giant's which he may try....or I googled the brand and found on-line site...so I could order some of those meals without having a minimum order...we'll see. And Mom breaded some steak the other night. I asked her to ask Dad if he tasted it...he said "no, but it was good!"...I didn't explore that answer with him...my sense was he did taste it enought to say it was good...who knows????

so, generally, between 5 and 6:30 PM they sounded good...positive and glad that I was "thinking of them!" Oh, I wish they would truly recognize and believe in all our concern, thoughts, and hopes for them.

I will call tomorrow and check about the Philadelphia trip..oh, i also asked Mom what they had planned for the snow removal. She said they had several neighbors who usually did the shoveling...

I am tired...will be back tomorrow. good night to all..just wanted to tell you the result of an attempt to have them use home delivery groceries...I was able to cancel my order, by the way...but as I told Dad and Mom, it is saved in the PeaPod site...love to all, Toni

Just briefly..

Hi...won't be long today. Heading for Laurette and Rick's and Nathan's of course. Birthday Dinner for me!! Yippee!! anyway, Mom and Dad backed out. Mom is "coughing too much";doesn't feel very well. But you know this isn't new....they have changed their minds quite often in last few years for lots of different reasons. I think Mom becomes overwhelmed with having to be somewhere else besides home. Here's betting you that the only reason they made the Christmas outings is because Mike and Bonnie were here and they didn't want to curtail them.....I am quite disappointed. Wanted to spend time with them on my 63rd!!!! Just wanted to share. Talk later....I"ll pick up a lot of love from Nathan for us all.....love, Toni

Info on Let's Dish

Hi...just made a "fake" order on Let's Dish...there is one in Alexandria and one in Ashburn that delivers...I'd have to check out if they deliver to Arlington. I think they do. ($25 delivery fee) but did get a coupon for that much in my e-mail..maybe you received one also, Steve? anyway, 4 meals (serving size 6) to be split (so 3 portions per frozen package)....:

4-Meal Package Edit Menu Selections Lemon Herb Chicken with Parmesan Green Beans (1) Shrimp Creole (1) Steak and Mushroom Sandwiches with Melted Swiss (1) Pork Tenderloins with a Peach Chutney (1)
1
$100.00
Preparation Fee
1
$15.00
Delivery Fee
1
$25.00
Tax:Total:
$2.88 $142.88
Special Instructions: split

Just a sampling, though has mostly chicken and the preparations vary...from having to bake or fry...Steve, you know who they look when delivered, right? Anyway...guess one couldn't make all that food for $142 very easily. Give me your thoughts. Thanks.

The Talking Frog...

Got you curious, huh? Received my 3 new books today...the one I am now just skimming through is "Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of our Elders"...so far looks great..lots of words and will take some concentration...may buy a copy for each of you if I really like it...anyway, a tiny paragraph about loss...the author says: "I think about a joke among the old here in Nebraska. A man finds a frog who says that if she is kissed, she'll turn into a beautiful princess. Instead of kissing the frog, the man puts her in his pocket. The frog croaks, 'Don't you want to kiss me and have a beautiful princess?' The man says, 'Frankly, at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'"
Again, looks like a very touching book...talk to you later. Enjoy!!!

Technical problem?

Hi...am having difficulty commenting on Steve's Blog....not sure if it's the program or me.....will keep checking it out...thanks for the blog, Steve-o......glad you had a great Inauguration celebration....will be interesting to see how all this excitement and spirit unfold....Tonight Steve and I discussed an idea that Celeste and he had discussed....the use of "Let's Dish" for possible meals for Mom and Dad....I have another one or two sources that I've used....only thing Steve and I discovered is that a lot of this type of food delivery service has CHICKEN (lots of ) on their menus....another reason for Dad to say no....ha...we'll see, I'll do some checking....can put the site links on the Blog for all to look at???? I may send them a delivery of staples from Safeway or Peapod....Dad had said no to that, but I'll see what I could pick out that he may like or want...time to get up and do the dishes....ugh! love to all, toni

Great Day!!

Hey...Yes We Can!!!! It is great to feel the spirit that our new president has brought to all of us.
We went to a great Inaugural party & have a friend who was wearing a big button that read, "I'm a Red Hot Republican". It was his dads from running for the Delaware legislator in the late sixties. People were giving him a little bit of flack, but guess what, he voted for Obama!!!
Hope we can all get together or on the same page & try to come up with some ideas as to how to approach Mom & Dad about getting ready for a change that is here in their lives. Celeste is talking about coming here in March for a week. Toni & I & Celeste should have a conference call with John, Mike & Jo Ann. Ciao for Now........Steve

Another day......

hi all. glad to have heard from you Celeste. I will leave all these posts on for a couple more days, then will delete them...I don't think I can archive them....just don't want the page to appear too burdensome. Still trying to learn about the best way to make this useful....Dad sounded better this evening. Coughing less. Talked about his stress about Mom and their finances. Offered him to help again. He just says, "I don't know!" Mom sounded better too. I asked them about going to Laurette and Rick's for a birthday dinner gathering for me....he wouldn't commit. Asked them about my coming to get them for SuperBowl...spend a few days here....he declined. Is talking about wanting to go to Philadelphia. Will follow up with them on that....Bye for now...back later...Toni

One more thing!

sorry...just want to say that if you all like this, I will arrange so you can also add posts of your own...not just comments on my posts....let me know........

Good Inaugaration Day....

Hi all. Added a few resource sites tonight. Know that there are driving questions. I have ordered Elizabeth Dugan's book....



Have watched the busy Inaugaration Day....many feelings about it, but in the end, proud to be an American. I pray, President and Mrs. Obama are able to accomplish all that they want and what is now, so very expected of them. Talked with Mom and Dad today. They are OK...Mom is coughing a bit more; Dad a bit less. I reminded them again, to keep in touch with their doctors....to eat....to rest....etc. Dad says he has "plenty" food....we also spoke again about the possibility that the warm (very warm, I'm sure) air in their house may be too dry. Dad said he bought a humidifier that stopped working almost immediately when he plugged it in....(I wonder if he set it up correctly??) He said he does have the yellow room's window open a bit at night. and can "tell the difference!"



So...time to move on....haven't heard any comments back yet for this site. Let me know. Love, Toni

Just trying this out.

Trying a few things...like fonts,color, adding photos, etc. Getting ready to watch the inaugaration events tomorrow. hope all are well. Mike's e-mails are bouncing back to me. He did say he is having computer (server) troubles. I will call him to share any or all of this info here. I usually talk with Mom and Dad every day. Usually once a week I'm asking them what they may need, doctors' appts, results, worries, etc. Sometimes they tell me, sometimes they don't.....mostly, brush me off...suggestions about help, reaching out to others.....but basically I do believe that they are still able to make decisions...not that we (or I) necessarily agree with their decisions.....sometimes I think their state of mind (happy, sad, discouraged, tired, depressed) influence their decisions. Today Dad just seemed like he wanted to talk...talked about the show for Obama yesterday. He actually sounded as if he enjoyed it. We discussed some political issues, etc. He seemed slightly more open minded than usual. He only got off the phone because someone came to door....i'll call him tomorrow to see who visited. That's about it for now. Good-night and happy Inaugaration Day to all. Love, Toni

So far, I think this is set up???

hi again. sent a copy for all to see. check it out, I hope...just talk as much as you want. I'll try to include resources too....we will work this out, I know. I hope Mom and Dad don't let it get to a difficult crisis...love you

First entry..not sure how this works!

Hi all. Will try this out...ok? lets see if we can do this together...

good conversation with Dad today. Cough is less. He said both he and Mom slept well last night. And she did make Dad breakfast, though after she forgot momentarily and had to be reminded.

Then, she realized she was having difficulty with a financial issue and became sad...got upset, Dad said. When I spoke with him, she was sleeping.

In any case, Dad sounded like he really just wanted to talk about watching the Obama celebration yesterday. He liked it! And said, mayby Obama would be OK????

Let's see what happens if I post this....Toni