Dad brought up again the special moving services that Erikson's has. Mom is adament about not wanting to leave "her house." She stated very clearly that she will stay until one of them dies. She said, if "I die first, then Dad can go anywhere he wants." "And if Dad dies first, I won't have anything left here, so I'll go into one of those homes, or said she would move in with me or one of us at that point." I mean she didn't even want to hear any conversation about moving. And Dad became very anxious and forgetful of what he was trying to tell Bob and I. He said, with almost tears, "I can't even change a lightbulb here and that drives me crazy!" Mom does not hear any of that. I asked him if he could arrange the move for them, without her OK and he adamently said, "no way." "She would be a very sad lady." But then he added that "soon she won't even know enough to refuse." I tried talking with her after Dad left the room, but she continues removed from any intellectual or emotional responses of Dad. (or me for that matter). Bob asked her directly, in his rather straight forward manner why she wants to stay in her house. She said clearly, "Because I like it." So, I'm in my thinking mode again. Trying to see if maybe it would work to go over there, after making an appointment with Dana at Ashby Ponds, and having Dad just go with me there. If Mom doesn't want to go, then she could stay home. (I don't like the idea of leaving her, if she is upset though, so I don't know if that would work? )
Another topic Dad brought up is that Dr. Orsinger had a heart attack recently, and he now has someone going into his home daily and seems to like the group. Dad seemed very interested and intends to ask him who the group is.
So, that were "we are" this moment. And we discussed Mom's birthday. She is up for anything that would involve any of us. And "LasVegas Celeste" said she may be visiting in October, as I had told her we may do something for Mom's birthday. Mom seems proud that she will be 90...and didn't flinch when I told her we were trying to organize something. I told her it may be difficult for all of us to be there, and would any of this be too much for her. Of course, she could hardly out and out say no....or maybe she could have.....just want to let you all know I talked with them about it. Dad had no opinion. He just said, he wishes we could somehow have her agree to move by then!!
bye for now. John and Mike, your dialogue is in the last post with 6 comments if you want to continue or start another. love, Toni
Happy Mother's Day to all:
ReplyDeleteToni, Your lasted post sounded like the most strait forward responce about Mom and Dad's current plan on their living location. Dad is feeling the isolation of the abence of his loving partner and we all feel for him. The good bye to form is sometime presented in slow motion and can be very cruel especially to the to the loving partner! Toni know that that Dad will find the help that he needs. know also that He will make Mom as confortable as he can as long as he can; That, I believe has been his mission for as long as I can remember. I feel for his sence of loss and admire his capacity for compassion that quells any anger that might arise due to the loss that haunts the situation at every moment. Thank you Toni. I am so glad that you are there stirring the pot. Dad it seems is making a slow turning and has a purpose that is perfect for him and Mom is beautiful and in very good hands. Keep on with the fair winds of spring Michael
Haven't been on the blog for a very long time. I'm going to send this message and see if it goes. Celeste
ReplyDeleteO.K. That worked. Happy Spring everyone. Rene and I just celebrated our 28th Anniversary last weekend. Ben is done with college as of 1 hour ago. He broke a tooth this weekend. Alex has one more year. Stephen got accepted to AMERICORP. He will be going to Denver in Oct. to serve our country in the domestic peace corps. And Nina is going to high school. My universe is shifting greatly. And my parents are in serious need.
ReplyDeleteSo this is all very painful for me. I worry about them daily. I spoke to Dad this weekend and he really feels the move is what they need to do. But as Toni said Mom will have none of it. Dad knows what the right thing to do for the both of them is and Mom is digging in her heals. And as Dad says, she soon won't remember many things, including us.
My wish, prayer, is that they are both safe and fully taken care of until their time on the planet is up. Part of that concern is what we all know could happen: a fall, a car accident, wandering away from the house and of course a serious illness. Dad knows the possibilies and Mom is in denial. What if.....one of them is in crisis and needs long term care. They have no insurance coverage for that. They could easily wipe out all of their assests in 3 or 4 years with one event. I am thinking practical (and emotional). And if they don't make this move by tax year 2010 the estate tax law changes to a 1,000,000 cap at %55 percent of their assets. Right now its 3,500,000. In 2010 their is no cap and in 2011 it goes to 1,000,000. Which means they will loose half of their assests to taxes. This could be money they need to take care of themselves. Dad knows all this and I know it worries him. He told me the other day that if he moved he'd start a Bacchi ball club. The man needs some friends and activity but mostly peace. The peace knowing he is taken care of and Mom will be too. He shouldn't be worrying about all the shit he has on his plate, its not healthy, its not fair. He doesn't want it anymore.
So what do we do?? I'm thinking very drastically ....I feel we all should go there and tell her, this is what we want you to do, as your children who love you, who are very worried about you and Dad. Maybe Mom needs to hear it from us.
As for the birthday celebration, I had the fantasy that only the six of us would go and celebrate her birthday with her. Can you imagine the 8 of us around our dinner table, in our house where we grew up. I think of myself at 90 and would love to have that with my family. This is surely not a slight on any of our partners. It would be special and uncomplicated. So family, what do we do about all of this?? Again...I feel like we need to DO something very soon. I don't mind if you all think I'm totally off the mark, so let me know. At some point we will all have to have closure at 27th Street. I would rather it be on our terms. I would rather it be a positive transition for them to someplace safe. I love you all. Celeste
Hi,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted everyone to know that the comment yesterday that said "Bonnie said", was written by MICHAEL! Our Google account was apparently set up under Bonnie's name, and we didn't remember that! (Aw, yes, the joys of growing older, and seeing our memory start to decline!)
Hey John, great talking with you. I like your analogy that "we all, six of us, are sitting around the table now" with our love and support to each other, with the help of this 21st century gimmick, a blog! And our love going out to Mom and Dad constantly. I hadn't thought of it that way....but I knew it felt good to me to have all your awareness and togetherness that we can muster over all these miles. I'm sorry if I get emotional at times. It is hard seeing the decline with my visits. I have been able lately, however, to present Mom and Dad with a calm and direct approach, practical, and sensitive to both their needs. Generally, however, my time with them is but a spec of influence, if any. I feel so pushed to "do something" to help, but the SECOND I step forward a bit more, I am ALWAYS pushed back. And they are doing this with us all. Celeste, what you discussed with Dad about the taxes, moving, etc. did make an impression, because he further asked Bob about it. And intends to go to Rick Edleman about it all. But he told me with some negative intonations, like part of him was bothered by the reminders. It was odd. But you did make some difference, at least for a moment or two. I bet if I call him and ask if he has called Edelman(major finance person for them), he hasn't done it yet. I am seriously trying to problem solve the Ashby Ponds thing with him. And Johh and Mike, Dad has become a bit more patient with Mom lately. He told me he has been watching an "alzheimer's" program on HBO..he found himself...and likes the part about caregiving. He asked me if I could watch it too, but I don't get HBO! That's all. Have some calendar work to do for this summer. I'm trying to find a place in OC to rent if you are there at the townhouse this summer, Cis. Love, Toni
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